Takumi is such a submissive pineapple
by SuperSylveonSoaker
Summary: Takumi tries to do this party trick he learned back in college. It involves a pineapple and has been listed as a WMD. Ronald Reagan was so afraid of it he actually started nuclear disarmament talks with Gorbachev in the 80s. Hamud Habibi


COLLAB BETWEEN ME AND MY STEPCOUSIN SORRY FOR THE FORMATTING BUT I DIDN'T CAR ENOUGH BECAUSE IM MORE FOCUSED ON MAKING GAME OF GARDEVOIRS (WHICH IS EPIC LET ME TELL YOU) THIS IS A CLEARLY A JOKE DONT GET UPSET XD

takumi top ten bruh monents 1. takumi switches to geico 2. takumi gets his testicles eviserated by his cat

3\. takumi gets a call from the irs about his backtaxes 4. takumi watches his own mother die in front of him in a terrorist attack

5\. takumi goes to the bank to balance his checkbook 6. takumi breathes a sigh of relief as he discovers he is not the father

7\. takumi gets stuck in traffic on his way to pick up kiragi from day care 8. takumi has a mental breakdown in a big y parking lot at age 47

9\. takumi forgets to pay this months rent so he stops playing fifa and sends a payment to his landlord via venmo with an apology 10. takumi hoshido is found dead at age 47

found dead behind a walmart

his landlord saizo was NOT having it

especially after the police were called in to visit takumi because his wife called them over a domestic abuse situation. takumi was actually completely innocent it was just a ploy by his wife to take the kids AND remove herself of their dead end marriage. the cops still beat him pretty horribly. he also did a three day stint in prison before he could prove his innocence, during which he was physically accosted by his wife's current lover.

saizo was not pleased with that i'll tell you

saizo is very upset, and now has to resort to making kiragi go through physical labour in order to pay rent, since his cheating whore mother wont get her fat us up from watching telemundo to pay the bills

kiragi's been picking tobacco and is barely scraping by with the ad rev from his gun review channel

the ad revenue has been incredibly slow after youtube deleted his channel. he had to move to pornhub to properly post his precious guns. once he did that though barely 1/4th of his subs on youtube followed him over to pornhub so he isn;t making nearly as much as he was. he's tried to get into gun fetish porn but no one wants to watch a boy with cotton-picking hands on pornhub

though rumors among the apartment complex say he's givin saizo handies when he's short on rent. kiragi denies this, but everyone knows the look of stained innocence that show in his tired, glazed over eyes

doesnt help that that witch neigbor of his camilla keeps pressuring him to buy fucking snake oil from her mlm because "oh your dad and i were friends back in highschool, so trust me when i say this miracle oil can CURE your POVERTY"

camilla herself has been in a bit of a rough patch lately because she keeps draining the savings in a desperate attempt to help her husband ryoma, who was recently diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer. snake oil is the only thing giving her meaning in life even though its draining the family savings even more. at this point she's just as likely to believe that the snake oil could cure her poverty. especially now that ryoma's fits and screams keep getting worse because of his grief over the loss of his brother takumi. camilla found it funny that the cancer had impaired his motor functions, as it threw him into fits of spastic rage everytime he thought of all the fun he and takumi had when they were kids

she tried rubbing the snake oil on him one time since it says "cures cancer" on the bottles, but ryoma broke out in hives when she tried that. she then thought it'd probably work better if it got in direct contact with his brain, so she took a funnel and poured a quart of it into his ear. he's been in this state since then where he'll either be completely comatose or outright berserk, and she's had to use zip ties to keep him on the bed. she genuinely believe the cancer is gone, and think this is just about those "visions from god" that ryoma keeps screaming about at knight

of course he really does just have stage four brain cancer. there are no visions from god. the snake oil only made his death nearer than before. in fact camilla could be criminally charged as the snake oil did accelerate his death. that and she had been a prostitute once before and if i remember correctly prostitution is illegal in kentucky. her street name was "thicc lip" because of her large thighs and alluring lips, though because of her severe speech impediment she pronounced it "fic lipff" so people would just get offended whenever she introduced herself thinking she was making a fart noise with her mouth.

yeah after her pimp got killed in a gang bang she had to skip town for a bit and moved into the apartment complex. watching her life go to shambles and ryoma scream about the possiblity of the "anti-ryoma" coming up from the underworld to dual him in a battle for the fate of the multiverse is the only source of entertainment for him after his mom sold the tv. she needed more money to afford her crippliing heroin addiction. as the ylisseans say "aint no dope like dope rope" and kiragi's mom knew that for a fact. kiragi's had a few run ins with some mafia folk because she makes him go out and fetch it for her, so he knows his way around the system

that was the whole reason kiragi got into gun reviews in the first place. he was trying to find the best piece to protect himself on these runs his mom sent him on, and ended up with such a vast collection of firearms- both legal and illegal- that he just started reviewing them. the extra cash was a bonus but he really on did it because he enjoyed making them so much. though he could get sent to prison for the shear number of illegal firearms he owns, he takes it with a grain of salt knowing he covered his tracks really well. he was a hunter after all.

he's been planning something for a while now actually, him, midori, asugi and siegbert are planning a chain of heists across kentucky so that they dont have to live in poverty anymore. he's pretty fed up with living with a human cow-leech and has already set up a cabin for his crew to hole up in after they're done. its super discreet too, real off the grid in the middle of the alaskan wilderness. after that he'll try using the money to rise in the ranks of the mafia, while also trying to reboot his channel on xvideos instead of pornhub

kiragi's really been thinking about replacing siegbert lately because he just doesn't shut up about how the two of them are technically stepcousins because of ryoma and camilla even though that's just not at all how it works, but no matter what kiragi says using as much logic as possible siegbert just wont shut the fuck up. it gets really disruptive sometimes in the middle of their planning meeting because siegbert will just pipe up out of no where for no reason at all. kiragi mentioned alaska the other day and siegbert immediately replied saying that they were stepcousins. kiragi was thinking of killing him and replacing him with ignatius but everyone knows ignatius has a thing for kiragi and kiragi really doesnt want those feelings to develop any further by being around him. he might even get caeldori in on this because of her ability to execute plans perfectly but she was living a comfy and cozy life with her parents so there was literally no incentive for her to do this

kiragi's weighing his options

kana was once a part of the team, and they tried doing a small hit on a gas station. little did they know that the cashier had a rifle behind the counter. kiragi sometimes has nightmares about seeing kana's brains explode on the shelf of cheetos behind them, while asugi stuffed a bag with candy. midori had to be the one to silence the cashier while kiragi went for the dosh. they somehow havent been caught, but sometimes it comes into question whether or not they can really pull it off. only thing keeping him going is the thought of finally slaying midori's pussy once they start living on their own away from the law

kiragi knew they had to pull off the job soon because of midori's pregnancy. it was both of their first times when the had sex, and kiragi forgot to pull out in the heat of the moment. he knew that she wouldn't be able to help them in a few motnhs, so all he could do was finish planning and get ready to start the heists. of course once he got to alaska he was going to annihilate her pussy before their son even has a chance to be born. pregnancy was kind of his fetish, and everyone knew it, especially midori. she had been blue-balling him in the weeks since the paternity test came back positive in kiragi's favor. he was so excited to finally have a pregnant woman, but midori knew he would wait. he always did.

while pregnancy is definitely his fetish, he also holds a deep fear that one day his son will usurp him as patriarch of the group. thats why he keeps a clothes hanger and some anaesthetics on hand for when its time. this aint his first time knocking someone up after all!hopefully this time he wouldnt get cucked beforehand, unlike with his previous lover rhajat. she just _HAD_ to go and swallow forrest's trap cock with her snatch. always the one to seek revenge, kiragi at least made sure to snap forrest's neck in the dead of night, followed by a quick bullethole to rhajat's skull so as to leave no witnesses. he went on a bit of a coke binge after that, but had to stop as his mom got pissed that he was stealing from her stash

it sometimes surprised kiragi that his mother had turned into such a skank. in his youth, he recalled a woman smitten with takumi, willing to do anything for him no matter how outrageous the request. perhaps that's where the marriage began to fail? takumi's requests became more and more deranged, often asking her to physically harm and demean him. she simply couldn't believe the man she fell in love with hated himself enough to request the things he did. kiragi watched as his mother succumbed ot addiction time and again. it was after the fourth time she escaped rehab he could tell her dreams were over. the clothing business she so desperately wanted to start in her youth was but a shadow compared to the mountain of ketamine she needed to be herself. he only stood by her now because he needed a roof over his head and someone to whore themselves enough for food. soon he would be out. soon he would be free to smash midori's fertile vagina into oblivion.

this concludes chapter one of our fire emblem in real life story please like and share and make sure to tell your friends and family about it and if youre reading this janine i just wanna say im sorry for everything ive done please give me another chance ok thank you all have a good day and god bless


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